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family interactions

What are interactions like in healthy families?

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​All family members usually...

...feel safe to ​express thoughts, feelings, opinions, and needs; disagree with family members; and feel noticed, valued, and listened to, even during conflicts and crises,

NOT

fear being scorned, ignored, attacked, or rejected.

Family problems are...

​...discussed honestly and promptly, and are usually resolved,

NOT

denied, ignored, minimized, deferred, debated, or endlessly rehashed.

​Children usually trust their primary caregivers to...

​...to consistently and genuinely care and to protect them,

NOT

minimize, ignore, or increase their needs, fears, and hurts.

Adults usually...

...are open to considering constructive feedback, even when feeling criticized,

NOT

attack, defend, explain, ignore, discount, pull rank, or leave.

​Conflict is generally...

​...supportive, mutually respectful, and constructive,

NOT

blameful, rageful, shaming, belittling, or manipulative.

Minor kids can safely confront the adults, [resulting] in..

...empathetic listening and effective problem-solving,

NOT

justifying, arguing, blaming, explaining, whining, debating, counterattacking, condescending,

defocusing pretending, withdrawing, or ignoring.

From "33 Traits of High-Nurturance Families and Groups," part of the FREE self-paced course "Break the Cycle," by Pete Gerlach, MSW (1938 - 2015).

This is is a highly valuable but not well-known resource. He also has a YouTube channel.

What are interactions like in unhealthy families?

​

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Unfortunately, they may involve some of the behaviors below, perhaps in a combination associated with narcissistic, borderline and/or psychopathic abuse:

VIOLATING BOUNDARIES

  1. Pointedly Ignoring or Mocking Stated Boundaries

  2. Being Intrusive

  3. Invading Your Privacy

  4. Contacting Your Employer or School

  5. Contacting Mental Health or Medical Providers

  6. Coming Over despite being told not to

  7. Coming to the Hospital despite being told not to

  8. Stalking

CONTROLLING

  1. Smothering

  2. Interrogation

  3. Threats

  4. Intimidation

  5. Bullying

  6. Aggression

  7. Terrorizing

  8. Relationship Interference

  9. Poisoning Others Against You

  10. Poisoning Others To You

  11. Isolate You From Loved Ones

  12. Financial Control

  13. Restrictive Control of other resources and activities

  14. Domination

  15. Subjugation

  16. Coercive Control

MANIPULATING

  1. Emotional Blackmail

  2. FOG: Fear, Obligation and Guilt

  3. Tantruming

  4. Triangulation

  5. Persistent Scheming

  6. Emotionally Compelling Ultimatums

  7. Manufactured "Emergencies" to create seemingly reasonable demands for attention and/or proximity

  8. Guilt-Tripping

  9. Triangulating Family Members by means of gossip, favoritism, scapegoating, shaming, criticism, and forced allegiances

  10. Weaponizing Guilt if someone exercises the right to say “no” 

  11. Deliberate Repeated Apologies with no intention of changing.

  12. Making you Feel undeserving, indebted, or shamefully dependent

EMOTIONAL / VERBAL ABUSE

  1. Antagonistic and Combative

  2. Loss of Temper, possibly with verbal or physical aggression

  3. Relentless Criticism

  4. Unfairly Judgmental and Uncompromising

  5. Rarely Apologizing, Admitting Fault, or Accepting Accountability

  6. Verbal Attacks such as berating, denigration, and name calling

  7. Mocking

  8. Bulldozing

  9. Hammering

  10. Speaking Over

  11. Catch the Ball

PUNISHING / RETALIATING

  1. Giving the Silent Treatment

  2. Withdrawing

  3. Sabotaging

  4. Physically Acting Out (slamming doors, moving things loudly)

  5. Backstabbing

  6. Creating a Smear Campaign

  7. Engaging in Frivolous Law Suits

  8. Employing Draconian Methods of Child Punishment

  9. Envious Hyper-Competitiveness

PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE

  1. Mind Games

  2. Double Binds and Kafka Traps

  3. Tormenting

  4. Grooming for Sadistic Intent

  5. Gaslighting or Selective Memory

  6. Blame-Shifting, Deflecting, Minimizing or Denying

  7. Word Salad,  Circular Arguments

  8. Derailing with Logical Fallacies (eg, Straw Man: attacking your character instead of debating the issue)

  9. Assumed Martyrdom / Victim

  10. DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender)

  11. Weaponized Psychic Equivalence (feelings become facts, then accusations) 

  12. Psychic Mind Reading

  13. False Accusations (Projection)

  14. Deliberate Mischaracterizations (Projective Identification)

  15. Parentification (encouraging the child to adopt the parental role)

  16. Emotional "Incest" (encouraging the child to adopt the psychological aspects of the spousal role)

  17. Emotional Neglect

  18. Mind Control

  19. Scapegoating

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but you can break free

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